Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably – Oh, wait. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid'. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid.Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them? Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey.It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface.Test on your own recognisance, I'll be right back. If you have any questions, just remember what I said, in slow motion. Wait, this next test does require some explanation. Anyway, just an interesting science fact. Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises? I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off.Here come the test results: 'You are a horrible person.' That's what it says: a horrible person. I'll start getting everything else working while you perform this first simple test - which involves deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers. I've really let the place go since you killed me. You know, if you had done that to someone else, they might devote their existence to exactly revenge.

I was able – well, forced, really – to relive you killing me. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis.

Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature.

Warning: Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.

If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future… God help you.

This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals.

If the Enrichment center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris does not appear to be a deliberate part of the test.

Please disregard any undeserved compliments.

Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part.

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